My child is never satisfied with anything she does. Her teacher says she is a perfectionist. What does that mean and how can I help her?
Perfectionism has been called the “pursuit of excellence,” but often that journey for the gifted child is one that is fraught with failure. Gifted children are especially prone to perfectionism, a state of mind that can lead to a burden that is difficult to bear.
What is perfectionism? Perfectionism is not a disease. Rather, it is the drive to accomplish and to be perfect, an impossible expectation since no one is ever perfect. Striving for excellence is certainly not a negative aspiration, but when this quest to succeed defines a person, it may become harmful.
A perfectionist has standards and expectations that drive him or her to psychological extremes. Healthy perfectionists derive a real sense of pleasure from the fruits of hard work; whereas dysfunctional perfectionists never seem to be satisfied with their accomplishments. They cannot forgive themselves if they fall below their personal standard. They believe they have to be a huge success in all that they do and that people will not accept them as imperfect individuals. This dissatisfaction is harmful and leads to subsequent failure.
Possible reasons for perfectionism include birth order, extrinsic motivators such as perfectionist parents, teachers or peers, media messages, and intrinsic/inborn tendencies.
Although perfectionism is often associated with overachievers, there is a strong relationship between perfectionism and underachievement in many gifted students. Perfectionism provides a ‘’protection’’ for gifted students. It grants the student an easy excuse for poor performance since doing the perfect assignment is unachievable. As a result, perfectionist students fear failure and may become procrastinators.
What are the signs of the perfectionist at home and in the classroom? Perfectionists will delay starting or completing assignments, start the assignment over and over again, or simply not turn in the assignment. By not finishing the assignment, the perfectionist has protected himself from any type of assessment, which could have possibly been less than excellent. How can his work be assessed when it is not complete?
Additionally, perfectionists may not be willing to participate in class or share ideas unless he or she is certain of the correct answer. There is no room for risk. He or she may have unrealistically high standards and show impatience for others’ imperfections. When perfectionists do make mistakes, they have difficulty handling their emotions.
What can help a perfectionist? First and foremost, perfectionist students need assistance in setting expectations. These expectations should be reasonable and reachable, and the perfectionist needs to understand that reaching a reasonable goal is not a failure. Rather, it is a healthy solution to the anxiety associated with an unreachable or out-of-touch expectation.
Additionally, parents and teachers need to halt criticism. Those who have the expectation of a perfect child or perfect student should realize that this type of expectation is harmful and drives unhealthy perfectionism. Expecting the child and his or her performance to be perfect should not be the basis for caring for and judging that child. The students’ environment should be re-focused to be safe and non-threatening. Through development of this safe environment, parents and teachers can focus on the student’s strengths and successes and establish incentives that do not depend on perfectionism.
Perfectionist students need to give themselves permission to set reasonable goals and to be less than perfect.
Answer provided by Ann Faivus, former coordinator for gifted in Palm Beach County.