What can we, as parents, expect as our gifted child approaches teen years?
Before you consider changes you might expect, take a moment to
note the individual personality traits and temperament of your
child. As you map developmental milestones, your child’s
individuality will remain predominant. This is
particularly true with a gifted child since her giftedness is
already distinguished from the norm. While she may display
some characteristics of other gifted teens, she certainly will
not display all of them. Thereby, first think about her
asynchrony and the maturity discrepancies she displays across
all five domains: intellectual, emotional, physical, social and
moral. Her distinction between the domains will largely
continue, however, focus and emphasis may shift. Next, note her
natural sensitivities and intensities and observe that they may
amplify throughout the teen years. Her perfectionist
traits may increase as she feels more internal and external
pressure to perform in school and prepare for college. She
may expect “mission impossible”, thereby dooming her self before
she even tries. The eminent danger of heightened
perfectionism is defining one’s personal worth and value by
whether she achieves unachievable goals. Additionally, you
may see an increase in her desire to “belong” in some peer
group. An introvert may express an increased desire for a
close friend, while an extrovert will want to partake in group
activities non-stop.
Often parents will exclaim, “What happened to my considerate and sweet
child?” Developmentally your child is in the middle of a huge
transition that affects her whole being. Specifically, as hormonal
changes increase, brain chemistry alters, and thereby the entire inner
person and subsequent behaviors are affected. Given that a gifted
child is asynchronous in her development, often this preliminary
pre-teen change in behavior and attitude occurs earlier than parents are
expecting.
Explicitly, it is the brain chemistry changes that are the
source of subsequent behaviors which might seem erratic.
New brain research has shown that the prefrontal cortex, the
area of the brain for reasoning and impulse control, is greatly
affected by the increase in hormones. There is clear proof
that the emotional roller coaster and impulsive judgment that
often accompanies teen years, has its root in the continual
development of the brain with increased hormone levels.
Knowing this can greatly help parents to “go with the flow” a
bit more, not react so harshly to verbal and emotional
outbursts, and practice the virtue of patience as your child
passes through these turbulent years.
During the pre-teen and teen years, your child will have one
foot in adulthood and one foot in childhood. He will
vacillate back and forth showing signs of new maturity and in
the next instance, incredible naïveté. A child who
previously was obedient and compliant, may now display a
tendency to do only what suits him and not be concerned with how
his actions or lack thereof might affect others. In
essence, he will follow his own internal drummer, and be less
likely to follow all the rules. Often the focus will become what
is immediately on his mind, what concerns him and what he cares
about. Your child may become forgetful and not listen
well. Basically, he will tune out external “noise” and
instead earnestly attend to his internal dialogue. He may
engage in power plays and firmly assert his independence.
Internally, he feels more mature, and thereby wants to be
treated as an adult. This often arises with curfew,
decisions on physical appearance, time spent with friends
compared to time spent with family, and doing chores.
Your child’s emotions will fluctuate and be more intense from
moment to moment. You will notice more irritability,
sensitivity, fears, hopes, and intrinsic stress which may result
in verbal and emotional explosions. A gifted individual,
by nature is critical and judgmental, and clearly sees and
focuses on what ought to be. During pre-teen and teen
years self-criticism can become excessive. During this
developmental crossroad, when it appears so much is at stake,
your child may feel particularly vulnerable, uncertain, and fear
failure. She may doubt her abilities and talents and
diminish her successes. For a child who is particularly
attentive to social injustice or surrounding evidence of moral
and ethical wrong-doing, she may feel even more responsible for
having an impact on these societal inequities. A gifted
teen will ask her or him self, “What is my purpose?
How do I matter? What is meaningful in my life?” These
big life questions feel dire to a teen and essentially dictate
her goals, dreams and personal expectations. She might
feel and think, “Is this all there is to life? Can I ever
make a difference? Does this homework really matter, or
this grade?” These questions are pertinent and new answers and
subsequent behavior may appear for the first time. A
gifted teen can feel overloaded with new found awareness, depth
of caring, and unanswered questions.
For many teens there is discomfort with her or his body.
They question their attractiveness, and take personal physical
inventory. Comparing oneself to others and attempting to
reach perfection can have a new forum, one’s body.
Further, during teen years he will begin defining his sexual
identity and sexual expression. The natural focus on one’s
sexuality brings added stresses, fears, hopes, expectations and
decisions. He may worry about having a first
girl(boy)friend, or dating, or with what group she can fit in.
She will discern peers values through their decisions and social
behaviors, and determine with whom she belongs. Old
friendships may go to the wayside as your teen determines what
he believes in right and wrong. Acting congruently with
one’s values and morals is a struggle he will face throughout
her life. It is during the pre-teen and teen years that
social pressures increase, along with the internal need to
belong. Being put in the situation to chose what course of
action to take, knowing there are adult consequences, is a worry
for most teens. You will notice that your child wants more
privacy both in his thoughts and feelings, activities and
physically. This is natural and normal, so do not infer he
has something to hide.
What can we, as parents, do to help our child through these difficult years?
Talk with your teen, not to your teen. The best guide is
to talk much less, and listen much more. Ask a limit of
about three questions, otherwise he will respond that you are
interrogating!Talk about topics that your child enjoys—i.e.,
music, video or computer games, sports, current events, etc.
If you want to know what your child values and what motivates
your child, observe what he does in his spare time. Let
his interests guide your discussion and learn who he is through
listening. Notice his joy and genuine smiles and respond.
A loving relationship is built on respect, genuineness,
acceptance and empathy. Instead of staying only in your
parental frame of reference, try to understand how he sees
things.
Always know that you are the most important person in your
child’s life. Winning your esteem and respect is of utmost
importance whether he acts this way or not. As a parent,
you truly are the “rudder” in his life. Your love,
respect, focus and positive attention provide the foundation
from which your child will grow. Your unconditional love
provides security and stability in his life and is the essential
ingredient for him to attain and maintain self-esteem and
confidence. Show him you value his individuality,
including the ways he is similar and different from you.
Fully realize that the changes you see in your child are
physiologically induced. Stop yourself from taking an
outburst personally. As hormones spike so does emotion and
erratic behavior. Your child is not becoming a bad person,
or a “monster” at home, in actuality he is most likely releasing
a build-up of stress and tension. Think H.A.L.T. when your
child acts up: is he Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired? Most
times explosive behavior is caused by one of these four reasons.
Respond to your child’s physical changes, which in essence are a
new growth spurt, with added snacks and flexibility of “sleeping
in” whenever possible.
Help your child to explore answers to the following questions,
and make sure you can answer them yourself. Knowing one
self is the key to making positive life choices. The
answers to these questions will help guide his path.
- When do I feel the most alive?
- What brings me the greatest joy?
- What makes my heart sing?
- What do I really care about?
- What do I truly believe is essential?
- What does this world really need?
- Who needs me?
- How may I be of service?
Even though your teen will resist limits and defined family
rules, chores and “family time” expectations, they provide
family structure and make it possible to operate successfully
within the family. Family structure is advantageous when
coupled with flexibility. As your child matures, he will
naturally need more independence. Asking for independence
is a growth step and needs to be respected as such.
Whenever it is possible and safe to say “yes” to your teen, do
so. Allow him to “test his wings” bit by bit, always
monitoring where, when and with whom. In making your
decisions, consider your child’s emotional and social maturity
and experience, not just his advanced intellectual capacity. You
have heard the smart adage, “pick your battles”. As such, have a
short list of “non-negotiables” and stretch yourself to be
flexible with the rest.
As mentioned before, your child will be enormously self-critical
during these years. You will notice an increase in
sensitivity to your tone of voice, volume and the words you use.
Often you may be misinterpreted and feelings will be wounded.
The best way to counter negative or hurt feelings is to
genuinely focus and comment on small positive efforts and
activities your child does. Instead of commenting on an
outcome, or quality of work, acknowledge effort and progress in
the desired direction. Help her to break down large
projects into small steps. Catch him with the positives,
and hold your tongue with any comments of lack or wanting.
Please help your child to limit which extra-curricular
activities she wants to pursue. Just because she can do it does
not mean she should do it. It is too much for anyone to be
busy all day and evening, no matter what age. Pursuing too
many positives turn into a negative by creating unnecessary
stress. Health and well-being requires attention to our
whole self: intellect, emotions, body, spirit (which includes
ethics and morals) and social self. The most common cause
for burn-out and dissatisfaction in one’s life is being out of
balance. We all need idle time to rest and rejuvenate.
We need time to pursue interests and passions simply for the
pleasure of it, instead of exerting to reach a goal. Our active
minds need time to reflect, contemplate, create and envision.
Your child is not a robot, nor are you simply a performance
machine. When you learn to respect and live out of all
five aspects of your self, your child will follow suit.
Conversely, when you do not attend to the needs of your total
self, and instead live a life of pressure, demands and
expectations, accompanied by stress and anxiety, probably you
will notice these same traits within your child. Choose
balance in your life and help your child do the same.
Living in balance also refers to your relationship with the
natural world that surrounds you. Being outside for 30 minutes a
day is probably the easiest healing available for stress and
anxiety. When you go outside, you experience an expansion to
your senses. When you focus on nature around you, you
automatically expand your viewpoint from a tunnel vision to one
with new sights, smells, sounds, colors, textures, etc.
Your senses come alive. Nature is always available, and
when you open to what surrounds you, it can bring a sense of
calm and order. Get outside with your child, and support
and make a priority, time he wants to be outside. This is
a wise and life-long healthy choice.
In closing, I want to mention an activity that has worked
miracles in families, including my own. At times we feel
we simply can not give enough to all our children. Instead
of trying to do it all for our entire family, schedule a private
date with each child once a month. Allow your teen to pick
(within parameters) what you will do on your special date.
Sometimes it may be an evening or part of a Saturday or Sunday,
simply make sure it lasts about 3-4 hours. It will shock
you how much your child will look forward to your date. It will
be more natural to talk together when you are alone, out of the
house, and away from everyone else. Your relationship will
deepen and you will both grow in appreciating of one another.
Sharing an activity your teen deems as fun will be bonding and
you will learn more about your child than you ever imagined.
Answer provided by Patricia Gatto-Walden, Ph.D., nationally recognized licensed psychologist.