My gifted child seems to be having a hard time fitting in with her peers. How can I help her?
All of us want to be accepted and have friends. We all want to have a
sense of belonging in a group. When we are young, the group with whom we
expect to make friends is our age peers or school classmates.
Expectations are so strong to make friends, that if our child has
difficulty doing so, we may worry that she is deficient in social
skills, or is “too much” or “too different” to easily blend in with
other children. Supporting your child to engage comfortably with other
children is a justifiable goal but she may need your help to be able to
do so.
First, it is important to understand the reasons your child might be
having difficulty fitting in with her peers. Please ponder the following
personality and temperament traits and decide which apply to your child.
For example, how divergent is her asynchrony across the five domains
(intellectual, emotional, physical, spiritual and social)? Your
child might be 8 years old, but think and talk more like a 12 year old,
be emotionally demonstrative like a 5 year old, and believe firmly in
justice and fairness like a 25 year old. Thereby you might ask—who is
her peer? Is she most like her age peer, her intellectual or interest
peer, her emotional peer, her ethical peer, her social comfort peer, or
several of the above? Notice who she gravitates toward and why. Appraise
where her natural interests lie by observing what she is drawn to during
leisure time. Understand how her overexcitabilities (psychomotor,
sensual, intellectual, imaginational and emotional) are manifested in
daily life and in her interactions. Generally we “fit in” or are
comfortable engaging with people of likeness. Thereby discern, where and
with whom does she truly “fit in”. Does she have interests or
enjoy hobbies other children in her classroom also enjoy? If she is
emotionally sensitive, who in her classroom is also emotive and
kind-hearted? Have numerous conversations with your child on the
personality, interest and sensitivity differences of children in her
classroom. Also discuss children of similar ages in the lunch room
and on the play ground and help her discern who might be a good fit to
approach as a friend. Some children are naturally reflective and can
discuss differences among others, however most young children focus only
on another child’s predominant attribute and have not developed refined
observational skills. It is easiest to help steer the conversation if
you too have been in the classroom and observed interactions and
personalities of the children. Talk your child through the process of
noticing similarities and differences between herself and others.
Begin with questions such as, “who is interested in playing (your
favorite) game?” Ask who has similar ideas in the classroom, and
who enjoys the same interests (reading books, drawing, playing the
piano, make believe adventure games, etc.) or other extra curricular
activities. Ask who is quiet and kind in the classroom, or who is funny
in class and plays word games (puns), or who is careful about his work?
In other words, after you are clear on your child’s unique attributes,
look for others who reflect her characteristics in similar ways. A way
to make a game of this process is for your child to imagine her self as
a magnet, and then discover who she would like to draw to her magnet and
for what activity.
Always
consider where your child is positioned on the introvert and extrovert
continuum, but please first define where both parents lie. Over and over
again I have seen that “the apple does not fall far from the tree”—so,
become aware how comfortable or ill at ease you and other family members
are socially. Reflecting on each family member, discern who “juices
their internal batteries” by being alone and having their surroundings
quiet and peaceful (introverts), and who is “energized” by being with
other people (extroverts). Respect these differences as justifiable
needs. Contemplate whether you enjoy having guests or extended family
members to your house, thereby offering your child the opportunity to
learn and practice social skills in the safety of home. Our foundational
social skills are developed in our home environment, so honestly reflect
on communication styles and skills in the family. What is the tone and
frequency of conversations at home? Do parents and children openly share
what is important to them, or their concerns? Are family members
supportive of one another, accepting and kind in responding to each
other? Can everyone genuinely express who they are without criticism or
judgment? Undeniably, a family environment which is open, caring, and
respectful of one another will promote social ease and aid your child in
comfortably reaching out to others. The greatest help you can give your
child is to maintain a home environment which is a safe haven for her to
fully express her total self.
Parents
are the primary teachers of social skills. However, if parents are
uncomfortable in their social interactions, they probably do not feel
confident in helping their child develop her social abilities.
Conversely, if parents are socially skillful and comfortable engaging
with others, they may assume that their child will naturally develop
fluency with the same skills. Unfortunately, this may not be the case.
Gifted children commonly need their parents’ instruction and practice
through role playing in order to gain social proficiency, particularly
with age peers. We may assume that our child knows how to join a group,
or how to enter a game that is already in motion, when actually they do
not. Does your child know how to ask for instruction, or how to follow
game rules without confrontations, or take turns in a game? Does your
child read social cues accurately, and can she make eye contact and
smile comfortably? We may assume that our child can interact with
classmates as comfortably as they can with adults; however, quite often
this is not the case for a gifted child. There are many books and
internet resources that break down common social situations into skill
steps. Parents need to learn (or refine) these skills along with the
children. It is well worth the effort for every family member to
develop social abilities, and to prepare for difficult situations
through rehearsal and hypothetical problem solving. Get the
instructional aids you need to be informed on how to interact in a
variety of common childhood, teen age and adult work situations.
Developing social fluency is not automatic; it takes practice, courage
and commitment for all of us. Help your child by taking her friendship
needs, desires and difficulties seriously.