What can I do to foster a positive relationship with my child’s school?
Given that our children spend a large proportion of their day in school
and their personal experience of school largely shapes their academic
happiness and success, it is vital that we as parents develop and
maintain a collaborative and respectful partnership with school
personnel and the academic community. Our children’s relationship
with teachers and classmates, and their receptivity and engagement with
instruction and course work collectively shape their daily experience.
Moreover it has been confirmed, positive parental relationships with
teachers and parental engagement with school activities effectively
enhances student’s adjustment and enjoyment of the overall school
experience.
What action can we take to help facilitate rewarding daily educational
experiences for our children? First, essentially we are talking
about the art of relationship building. Our goal is to form a
cooperative relationship with significant adults in our children’s
lives. We do not develop a relationship with a school; we develop
relationships with individuals who work within a school community.
Thereby, principles for developing healthy and constructive
relationships apply. Second, skills for entering an already
existing community need to determine our actions and interactions.
The school is an interactive system already intact, thus we are choosing
to interrelate and cooperate within this system. Third, when you
talk with a teacher, counselor or principal on your child’s behalf, it
is called advocating. Communication and relationship development
principles are the building blocks of successful advocating.
What are the essential components of relationship building to keep in mind?
As with all relationships there are “core conditions” which are
essential to forge a healthy connection. Researched and expounded
by Carl Rogers over many decades, the core conditions incorporate an
attitude and demonstration of: respect, genuineness, acceptance and
empathy. Namely, we must approach another person with a
sense of openness and trust, with a willingness to share our authentic
self and receive the other person’s individuality with respect and
acceptance. The goal is to forge a relationship where both
individuals are able to express their unique character, and to listen
attentively to another’s perspective without an agenda to change or
alter the other’s frame of reference. Positive relationships are
built with an objective and purpose of mutual respect, sincerity and
kindness. It is important to know that your personal skills and
comfort in creating amenable communication over the years comes into
play in forging new relationships with any individual, including new
relations in the school. However, whether or not you are
comfortable or proficient in relationship building, holding an attitude
and intention of respect, sincerity and kindness will set a foundation
for constructive communication. Although the goal is to develop a
mutually satisfying association, you only have power over your
demonstration of thoughtfulness, consideration and respect. Hold
fast to these high level values, demonstrate them consistently, and
positive relations will multiply.
How do we develop on-going constructive connections within the school community?
Most schools operate as an interactive, hierarchical community. As
in any community, leadership sets the atmosphere and climate of the
system, while all participants contribute to the overall tone.
Learning how the system functions and what structures are in place for
decision-making and operating practices will help you understand how to
comfortably and respectfully join the community. Become aware of
the ambiance or character of the community, imagining it on a continuum
from open and easy to formal and structured. Instead of taking
another person’s assessment of the school atmosphere, do your own
research, observations and attentive listening to understand how the
school operates as a system before entering. Additionally,
recognize that each classroom functions inter-dependently within the
organizational structure, while simultaneously generating its own
set-point climate created by the teacher. Grasping the intricacies
of the school environment will aid you in establishing sensitive and
realistic relationships, and guide your interactions in advocating for
your child.
Generating meaningful and productive relationships with personnel within
the school system is both plausible and beneficial for you and your
child. However, it may be beneficial to become aware of your attitude
and expectations before approaching anyone. Our previous youthful
experiences as a student can beget the stature we assume as we embark on
a relationship with a teacher, counselor, gifted coordinator or
principal. Additionally, previous adult interactions in other
school settings can color our anticipation of what will ensue in this
new setting. So before engaging school personnel, take personal
inventory of what lurks in your history, acknowledging both positive and
negative memories and subsequent beliefs. Take the time to erase
old grudges or fears. Do not act upon internal “right and wrong”
paradigms, harsh judgments or criticisms. Instead consciously fashion
these new relations with an intention and hope of mutually satisfying
communication. Set a positive course of the relationship by
actively incorporating the highest values of respect, genuineness,
acceptance, and empathy, and pursue collaborative interactions with
openness and consideration. Most often, individuals who dedicate their
careers to being of service to children are ethical, caring and giving
people. Believe in their goodness and honest efforts as educators,
and know you are on the “same side of the street” wanting the happiness
and well-being of your children and all students.
It is worth your time and effort to create and maintain healthy
collaborative school relationships. If an issue or concern arises
regarding your child, having a positive connection in place makes
problem solving easier. However, if you need to approach school
personnel without an established relationship, incorporating a
respectful and considerate approach will go a long way in facilitating
an alliance. The benefits of this framework extend to home life
too. When we model affirmative behaviors and attitudes for our
children, and talk with them about core conditions in developing healthy
relationships, we help them learn and utilize these positive
communication skills. Through our example, our children can attain
a cooperative attitude and develop foundational tools to successfully
connect with others throughout their life.
Answer provided by Patricia Gatto-Walden, Ph.D., nationally recognized licensed psychologist.